Saturday, November 28, 2015


                                                     By Andy Nowicki

If you've walked through a checkout line in a grocery store lately, you've probably seen the earth-shattering, heartbreaking news. Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani! Your dreams have been betrayed, your hopes deceived, your spirit horrifically sodomized and left for dead. Your sink to your knees, gasp for air; tears cloud your eyes. You look again... yes, it has happened. Robert Pattinson and Kristin Stewart are splitsville.

Friday, November 27, 2015


Fresh from the fappening.

In Mockingjay Part 1, the latest cinematic installment of the futuristic sci-fi dystopian Hunger Games saga, civil unrest in the kingdom of Panem has flamed into full-fledged civil war. Katniss Everdeen (Jennifer Lawrence, duly topful here, unlike in her now quite ubiquitously-ogled homemade modeling portfolio) has been rescued from peril by leaders of a resistance movement intent upon deposing the cruel and ruthless President Coriolanus Snow (a scowling, smirking Donald Sutherland) and his regime of oppression and terror.

Sunday, November 22, 2015



                                                             by Andy Nowicki
The recent high-profile firings of Rick Sanchez, Helen Thomas, and Octavia Nasr leave the eager-to-please among us with an uneasy feeling in their collective gut. What is the “proper,” socially-sanctioned way to react to such shocking displays of high-handed, sanctimonious, censorious overreach on the part of one’s party bosses, as it were?
Crystal clear as it seems that Sanchez, Thomas, and Nasr, all entrenched liberals with impeccable establishment credentials, were sacked for making critical remarks about Jews (or in Nasr’s case, mildly positive remarks about a deceased member of Hezbollah), such a assertion cannot be allowed to stand, because it would seem to reinforce “anti-Semitic” notions about Jewish control of the media, which are assuredly un-kosher to imply, much less state aloud. To criticize the principalities and powers for sacking critics of Jews thus means condoning anti-Semitism, which in today’s Zeitgeist quickly makes you little better than a genocidal and deranged Nazi. The gutless careerists, to be sure, want no part of that order!

Monday, November 16, 2015


The following passage is taken from Andy's new intellectual autobiography/philosophical treatise, Confessions of a Would-Be Wanker, now available for purchase. 

But what does the pitifully slobbering soul do when deprived of Gods much-wanted and much-needed blessing, for reasons which remain forever unclear? How, under such tragic and abysmal circumstances, can a man really be expected to refrain from indulging in a pastime which brings a kind of peace to his weary soul? Masturbation is a sad and pitiful act, but then God-forsaken man is a sad and pitiful creature, and indulgence in such an act can in some way be seen as entirely worthy of just such a being.

Jerking off, however, is one thing. Taking part in actual coitus with another person is something else entirely. Both activities indicate a sexualized state, but differ widely in what they suggest about the man engaging in the activity. Yet the worthiness of each activity is inversely proportional to how it would appear. Taking part in the former signifies you as a loser, in the worlds eyes, while engaging in the latter somehow for some reason makes you an estimable person, a success, one who has officially made it. Yet coitus is in truth a far greater signifier of corruption, as one who angles for coitus has to behave in a manner that shreds his natural innocence to a far greater degree than merely letting ones mind run towards mere fantasies of coitus.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015



With the University of Virginia frathouse gang rape story officially unraveling, we see yet another iteration of what has become a new American tradition: the campus hate crime hoax.

Technically, I know that rape is not a "hate crime" (a dubious designation in itself), but this case was already being predictably treated as such by prominent feminists and entrenched academic activists, who generally like to bray about "toxic masculinity" and "rape culture" whenever possible.

Monday, November 9, 2015


Robin Williams in Kenneth Branagh's "Hamlet" (1996)

The materialist conception of reality posits as self-evident the non-existence of the human soul. To materialists, a living being is a meat puppet controlled by no hidden hand; it merely flops about pitifully on its arbitrarily-constructed stage, until such time when events conspire to cause its demise.

Thursday, November 5, 2015



Cheerleaders: the aesthetic nexus of the wholesome and the wanton

(The following is an excerpt from Andy Nowicki's memoir/manifesto Confessions of a Would-Be Wanker.)

For man, the realm of the sensual is not limited to physicality alone. If it were so, we would merely behave like animals during mating season, prompted to seize upon and violate the nearest female with automatic efficiency, feeling little the worse for wear afterwards. Instead, sex for us possesses an interior component as well; it occupies us in a way that involves the mind and the spirit at least as much as it does the body. Little wonder, then, that fertility rituals of ancient cults often involved ritualized orgies; in addition to sex being the origin of life, it also (to human minds) necessarily entails the harnessing of a mysterious psychic force that, in the words of the poet, “beckons as it baffles.”

Tuesday, November 3, 2015


The greatest love of all...

After several painful years of committing what may be called slow-motion suicide, pop singer Whitney Houston has perished at the age of 48, another wretchedly pitiful casualty of celebrity self-induced crapulence. Her burial earlier this month was accompanied by the same sort of flamboyant pomp and colorful fanfare that attended the funeral of Michael Jackson three years ago, and many of the usual suspects were on hand to exploit the tragedy of an early death for the purposes of egregious self-promotion. (Whenever someone Black and famous dies, that tubby walrus-like buffoon Al “Tawana Told the Truth” Sharpton seems to take it as his cue to stick his mug into every TV camera in sight and pontificate in his inimitably greasy way about America’s innumerable social ills, until you wish some renegade reporter would have the decency to smack him over the head with his microphone and yell, “Prophesy to us, O ebony Savior… Who hath struck you?”)

Sunday, November 1, 2015


It Follows, a brilliant new horror film by director David Robert Mitchell, has a curious distinction: it may be the most “sex-negative” movie ever made.

Self-aware yet irony-free, bathed in atmospheric dread, It Follows treads a careful course between the “slasher” films of the 70s and 80s, its most superficially obvious forebears, and the distancing, overtly “post-modern” spoofy self-referentialism embraced by Wes Craven’s Scream series. In the final analysis, however, It Follows belongs with a more elegant breed of cinematic pedigree, deserving to be considered among classics like Fred M. Wilcox’s Forbidden Planet and Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds, eerie films in which the source of the terror is never finally understood in an intellectual sense, but is rendered so primordially palpable on an emotional level that it haunts the viewer for days afterwards.