Monday, October 26, 2015



With a sly, knowing wink to Martin Niemoller. What follows is a contemporary reworking of his famous dictum about life in Nazi Germany, as it might be spoken by a typical weasel-faced, mainstream American conservative establishment-lapdog, as a sort of soliloquy/confession uttered in an unguarded moment.

Don't worry about the encroaching totalitarian dystopia... it's football season, baby!

First, they came for the Holocaust deniers.

I didn’t have a problem with this at all. After all, as a mainstream American conservative, I pledge fealty to the state of Israel and obediently fetishize Jewish historical suffering as uniquely horrific. To compare the Jewish Holocaust to any other instance of mass murder is offensive to me, because (as I have been told, and as I quite unthinkingly repeat, good little goyboy that I am) to do so inexcusably trivializes the Shoah, making it seem like just another case of man’s inhumanity to man, which it certainly wasn’t, because… well, because that’s what I’ve been told! By whom, you ask? Well, by sources that are surely knowledgeable, sources that one doesn’t question if one knows what is good for one—and I, for one, surely do!
Therefore, when I think of people who have the gall to claim not only that that the Shoah, while terrible, wasn’t terribly unusual, historically speaking, and who moreover assert that the Shoah wasn’t even as bad as we all know it was (and we know because WE JUST KNOW, that’s all—see above), I get pretty darned vexed indeed! I am all for free speech, and all that, but there’s a limit, ya know? Holocaust revisionism is just like yelling “fire” in a crowded theater. How, you ask? Why are you asking me that? What are you, an anti-Semite? Better pipe down with those impertinent questions, homegoy…


Then, they came for the White Nationalists.

I didn’t mind this, either. In fact, I welcomed it. The persecution of these racialist white scoundrels afforded me the perfect opportunity to preen, sniff, scratch, mug for the camera, and altogether revel in an unseemly orgy of sanctimonious vituperation. It enabled me, moreover, to employ rhetoricaltriangulation, in order to gain an aura of respectability. Furrowing my brow at “racists” and “haters,” and distinguishing myself from them, helped me to gain brownie points from those in power, whose favor I secretly covet. And it gave me a chance to talk about the Holocaust some more, and to denounce anew those who question the extent of its historicity as racist haters (see above).


Then, they started coming for the “homophobes.”

This, I’ll admit, I haven’t been so crazy about. After all, though I generally have no principles (aside from doing and saying whatever helps me to advance socially), opposition to “gay marriage” has long been a staple of middle-American conservative—and implicitly white—identity politics, where I live and thrive and seek my glory. But just the same, I’m a bit scared to speak out too vociferously against the Lavender mafia who want to homo-normalize everything and see to it that insufficiently gay-friendly folks are cut off from all means of livelihood. I’m working on finding a kind of middle ground here, whereby I will be cunningly able to maintain my down-home aura of folksy conservatism while at the same time sending signals that I’m down with queer nuptials. I take my cue from Chick-fil-A’s crack PR team, who steered out of a jam with admirable panache last year.


And now, they’ve started coming for the homeschoolers.


Pity me, please. I’m really in a bind here. What is a weasel-faced, respectable, establishment-lapdog conservative to do? Of course, I cannot countenance such obvious instances of state-sponsored tyranny against the homeschooling community, since such people are, after all, my bread and butter, the lynchpins of devoutly Christian, red-state America. It wouldn’t be prudent to alienate my base! On the other hand, the signal from our higher-ups is clear: homeschooling cannot be allowed to continue unabated. Instead, children must be snatched from the maws of their loving but deeply deluded (and problematically religious as well as, no doubt, highly bigoted) parents, the better to be indoctrinated the values that the Zeitgeist holds dear, both for the children’s well-being, and for the overall stability of the country. The fact that this German family was denied asylum in the United States prior to the German government’s raid on their house sends the implicit, but still quite clear message that such people are effectively persona non grata in the eyes of the establishment.

So, it seems that I’ll have to play cunning again… What I truly fear, however, is that the cumulative effect of all of these trends—which began in Europe and are surely coming our way before long-- might provoke white Americans with traditional beliefs to wonder whether this country is really “theirs” anymore, and may begin to opt out willfully, and insist on going their own way, leaving America behind. That would truly be catastrophic. If only there were something to distract tradition-minded red-state middle-American folk from contemplating their gravely diminished status and rapidly approaching demographic annihilation… Ah, yes. It’s September. Thank the Lord: problem solved… Anybody ready for some NFL football? Hit it, Hank Junior!

(originally published at Alternative Right, August 2013.)

Andy Nowicki, co-editor of Alternative Right, is a Catholic reactionary writer who loathes all modernist dogmas and superstitions. He is the author of five books, including Heart Killer and The Columbine Pilgrim. He occasionally updates his blog ( when the spirit moves him to do so. 

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